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I’ve been sitting on this post for awhile, but maybe its time to write down my thoughts. Lately, I’ve been sucked into the reading of blogs of adult TRAs (transracial adoptees). In general, it is not easy reading for an adoptive parent. I find myself starting to think, not my kids. Oh please, not my kids. What do I have to do to keep them from this identity struggle. I can’t keep it from them, though. That decision was not made by either of us, but by a society that could not allow their parents to keep them and an orphanage that put them on the international adoption lists. In a way, I did validate or approve those decisions by adopting from China.

Richard, of FamiLee life is not an adoptee himself, though he is faculty in the psychology department at U of Minnesota, was raised as a first generation American in the midWest himself, and has a number of adoptee friends.

FamiLee Life: An Adoptive Parent’s Critical Consciousness Awoken

Reading these blogs and commentaries forces me to think about the impact of internartional and cross-race adoption on my children and on society ….

• By participating in international adoption, are we parents complicit in keeping the poor, poor … might our money not be better spent on in country NGOs working to alleviate poverty in the third world countries that the US adopts from? I actually thought about this for awhile, in the adoption process, maybe I should just donate my adoption money to a charity. On the other hand, it is OK to want to adopt children. It is not something to feel guilty over. Adoption is not about “rescuing” children, its about building families — so it is different pots, so to speak. The catch is that it also has to be about destroying or destroyed families, too, doesn’t it? The only way another family could be built is if one fell apart.
• By participating in international adoption, are we adoptive parents (am I) tacitly giving approval for unsavory acts involving the stealing or wheedling of children from families? Huge amounts of money exchange hands in these transactions and money corrupts. (One could consider this concern literally or figuratively).
• How unsettling is it that in international adoption the cost of an adoption of a white child is more than the cost of an adoptiong of a child of color? How unsettling should it be? Why is it so capitalistic? How do we change that?
• How unsettling is it that at the same time US families adopt tens of thousands of children from third world countries each year, more and more African American children are being adopted out of the US to Canada and Europe? How unsettling should it be? I find it very unsettling. What does it imply about our high level, societal beliefs. (I tried, I did. I got as far as the first DHS meeting before the numbers they threw up over and over combined with the first hand horror stories I’d heard to turn me away. I would like to be a foster parent someday, but it will have to be when my kids are older).
• Is it fair to my children that I’ve taken them out of their birth countries and cultures? What type of identity issues will my children have when they grow up as they try to figure out how American they are and how Chinese they are? Should I bring more Chinese culture into their lives? Can I?
• I can’t teach my children how to deal with racism or how to best handle it. I can raise them white. I can talk to them about racism, but I’m white and I do not have first hand knowledge necessary to teach them survival techniques. I can try and bring Asian and other minority role models into their lives, but is it enough? Do children learn how to handle racism through day after day examples, or can they learn it from the occasional interaction with appropriate role models?

It is important to follow the blogs of TRAs and to learn from these folks who are so willing to share their experiences. And to learn without judgment — their feeling and experiences are theirs and cannot be invalidated because we parents of the newest generation of adoptee immigrants think we can do it better or different. No matter how happy they are or are not with their adoptive families, many seem to be saying that love is not enough in interracial adoption.

The lives my kids lead are different from the lives led by Korean and Vietnamese adoptees of 30 years ago. Our elementary school is a veritable UN. Given the pictures of the kids outside each of the classrooms, its not clear that there is any majority race. But, let’s face it, Caucasians are the majority race in the US and my kids are not Caucasian, they are not of the power race and I am. They will also be a minority in their school … I’d estimate that there may be nearly equal numbers of White, Black and Hispanic kids in the school, with some Asian children. Yet, many kids have identity issues in their teenage years and my kids will have the added issues of being Chinese, of not being my race, of not having any sense of what they will look like when they grow up … that could complicate matters for them.

We talk about adoption in the house, nothing is hidden about it. Nicky’s arrival has been a catalyst for some of these discussions with Noelle. Nicky’s Xinjiang Mamas and Babas are silent and permanent fixtures in our house (except when one or the other of us gives them voices ). His Xinjiang life is in our lives. The other day he shut his door to clean his room and when he opened it to proudly show the neatness off to me he said, like my Xinjiang home. I don’t think it was a criticism of our rather messy life but rather just an acknowledgment that it is different here. Noelle now talks about her China Momma, which I think is good. At this point, we are mostly just discussing foster Moms. I’ve tried to bring up the birth mom topic, but the kids aren’t biting. One new Momma at a time, I suppose. I’ll keep talking about it. I think this is all good. Its important for them to know as much as they can about themselves and their lives. Their lives did not start with me and as joyful as our family days are (Noelle’s is coming up fast), it is also a day of loss for them.

I don’t know. In the end, I decided to adopt because it just seemed so silly to do IVF when there were kids in orphanages and foster homes that needed permanent families and I knew I could love them. Its got to be a good thing, doesn’t it? I think so, though it is clearly not a resounding yes for all adoptees, even those who love their families dearly and are dearly loved by their families. In the end, I tend to think we all have our crosses to bear. Some of us are more sensitive to the oppositions and crosses in our lives than others. The fact is that transracial and international adoption are two of the burdens in my children’s lives. As is the fact that I’m single and I work. All of this and all of the other experiences in their lives will build who they become. All that they experienced in China, too. Its all a part of their package. Its not good or bad, but they will face different social and psychological issues than a biological child of mine would face.

For further TRA reading:

• Ethnically Incorrect Daughter
• Harlow’s Monkey
• Made in Korea
• Minneapolis Adventures
• Outside In . . . And Back Again
• Twice the Rice

And another read that is useful, but not specifically baout adoption: Mixed Media Watch.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 31st, 2006 at 11:20 pm and is filed under Adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.